I AM HOME… FOR REALS. ✌🏼

Finding True Safety: My Journey to Feeling Safe and At Home

I felt safe for the first time last night. As Aaron passed out holding onto me, a wave of energy came alive in me. I became so energized that I had to get out of bed. I got up and sat in the front room and journaled. All that wanted to come out of me was, "I am here, I am safe, I am home, I am well." I just kept writing it down, and for the first time, these were no longer declarations from my mind to my body.

It was my body telling my mind.

It is the difference between saying, “We are going to Vegas,” and the trip is coming up to “We are going to Vegas,” as in we are on the plane now today. Yes it was real before, and it was “out there.” My reality was NOT in Vegas.

This is where I see the pain and distortion in religious and spiritual communities—with the “just be.” or “Jesus has got you” delusional beliefs.

You are asking the brain to delusionally take action when it doesn’t feel safe or present. I see it as a form of abuse, and that is a topic for another day.

For me, after the psychological torture and real-life “Inception” experience leading up to my near-death experience, causing me to now live in heaven full time, if it’s not something I can physically touch, it isn’t real. There is no “just be” for me. It either is or it isn’t.

I also know I create my reality so I am not a victim and instead a survivor of major injustice that happened both to me and my divinity. It was a crime against God and I get so excited to talk about it.

What did help support me here was journaling these declarations over myself.. “I am home,” “I am alive,” and “I am well.” These felt the most real to me and in many ways I believed them to be as real as real could be.

Unless I met home, alive and well in my body last night. Which I am now seeing is my equation for safe.

In fact I rarely declared, “I am safe.” I knew I was because God is black and white real to me. So no matter what happened, I had already died for the sake of the gospel, so I knew I was safe if I died and “to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Staying here was more of the challenge. There is a real reason prophets are more successful after their death and I choose to stay alive because I believe that old world reality is ending.

I lived with the fear and threat of someone misunderstanding me on the internet and calling the cops on me “for a welfare check” who would then take me into a mental institution in Washington state because it IS what the threaten to do to me when a welfare check was called on me TWO months after my traumatic experience.

They didn’t see nor understand what I survived or that I was autistic and how their existence was a threat to me. No one would believe me. And days later I end up in a protection order that Sam Meyer afforded Steve Brooks, the Lacey Fire Chief against me that I was in for six week, creating for me the impossible process of taking a religious public figure on, healing and finalizing a divorce all at the same time, two months after experiencing extreme psychological torture embodied in heaven full time.

If that reality is hard for you to understand, think Jesus was in heaven on the cross. It’s only and all heaven when you are embodied in it. Again to live is Christ and to die is gain and it’s math and science and in the stars. I talk about it all day and you can actually google it and listen to someone else talk about it if you don’t want to believe me.

SO yes I lived alone with people who did not embody heaven for a VERY long time. And when I met Aaron in person at the end of October 2023 if was heaven first time real time in my home. Yet even then it wasn’t safe.

Now May 2024, in his home after all the trauma and testing my body and mind went through with him. The amount of “PTSD” integration attacks—when all you know is that those who get close to leave—it was painful. And with his divine force embodied presence, I instead would end up as the one wanting to leave becoming very thing I was abused by.

I will be eternally grateful for Aaron's grace, patience, and understanding with me allowing me to test every inch of his embodiment. Now, from the depths of my soul, I know I am safe, I know I am home, and I know am well.

I also now know Aaron is my home. My body can stop wanting to leave the one and only place I have found on earth that makes me safe.

We don’t want to accept this possible true of we need someone to find safety. That another human could “complete” you.

The distinction is, that Aaron doesn’t complete me. I am complete. AND he is the embodied proof of all that I am. He becomes my insides on my outside as I become one with him. Aaron is the closest I’ll ever get to experiencing the real and true embodiment of my self.

It’s like how fish are in water they don’t know they are in water. For me, my human, my self. It’s in the water of “Jena” so there is no distinction for me that is Jena. It is in Aarons presence that I get to have someone to bound myself off of to get the bio feedback of who I am as a human and his wife.

And I had to be VERY clear on me with no dissociation in order to know the feeling of home in myself before I could experience what I experienced last night which was my embodied feeling of home expanded on every level.

Maybe that’s what we are missing in the love and light spaces. They say “just be,” but I don’t believe we are here to “just be.” We are humans manifested into FORM with life FORCE for a reason—to create, experience and embody heaven here on earth. Jesus died so that today we would have access to what we need to build the kingdom.

That is it. He ended the hell reality 2000 years ago. We just took a long time to catch on that there was another operating program called heaven we could run on. It’s like a really large organization that is still running a green screen.

That’s what is most true for me, and now I live out loud, looking for those in alignment with that. From the depths of my soul, I know Aaron is. For the first time in over four years, and in all reality my entire life, I can put my masculine energy down to pick it up when I need.

Thank you Aaron. Thank you for giving me my life.

My “Jesus” energy can take a step back because I NOW trust the divine masculine force that Aaron is.

Before I had to work to make money to meet my needs and with my disability and the disabling experience from the psychological torture from my medical emergency, there was a very REAL reality that I wasn’t going to make it, that I wasn’t safe.

I have such trauma from the system a simple phone call could set me bath three days. Yes, people would take me in, I know that.

And when you were a highly successful woman before a crime was committed against you causing you to lose everything in your life, being homeless sober just doesn’t comfort the soul like you’d like.

I only NOW truly feel these things because they are REAL biofeedback in my body, in both shape and form. Now, my mind and body speak in harmony. There is no more looking for something.

It is no longer my brain telling my body we are safe, we are home, we are well. It’s now, as in last night, for the first time, my body telling my brain, “We are safe! We are home! We are well!”

And this is the non-linear healing/grief process. Yet we have “healers” and “coaches” who have their thumbs ready to tell you how to be.

Being is embodiment, right? It needs to exist in my body. If my body doesn’t feel safety because of past threats, my limbic brain WILL create a script to survive. It's not creative.

While before my experience I was embodied in disassociation, I now live in radical authentic embodiment of the other extreme working to find my middle place. My embodied home. To know and understand the streets of “Vegas” if I were to continue with that analogy.

I refuse to keep living here if I have to dissociate. I will go into the world sharing my real authentic self/experience and when people tell me that’s not the case, my body knows they aren't safe. If they need me to dissociate to be in a relationship with them there is no relationship with them. It is and will only and always be authentic to remove myself from their space.

For the first time, I see it doesn't make sense why we shame people who want to end their lives today when scripture says, “to live is Christ and to die is gain”.

So here I am, finally EMBODIED as safety and at home, the feeling I've been yearning and fighting for.

And it was living in the van in a parking lot this past month that my body tapped into the feeling of safety for the first time.

My needs were met—the van is paid off, law enforcement patrolled the parking lot like a gated community, and I had access to free food.

This is what I needed to heal. I have talked to what felt like millions who gave THEIR prescriptions of what I needed to do to heal. None of them showed up to ensure all my needs were met. And it was the parking lot of the rehabilitation center Aaron was at that I met safety.

I do not believe we can be well until all our needs are met. That includes safety and I believe it is a REAL thing. Not just a made up concept we gaslight. It’s literally nervous system 101. Heaven is in our nervous system and there is no heaven for humans when they are dissociated for their bodily needs for provision and safety.

When the government controls your prognosis it gets pretty scare and far from unsafe to me.

So with the collective dissociated to meet their needs, unless you are like me and go full Jesus 2.0 mode, surrendering your entire life, or Michael Singer mode, you don’t have confidence that things are going to go alight because you have given your entire life over the the divine orchestration of the universe that God has set in motion.

So yes, today, it is a wild and surreal experience to finally feel the very thing I had been working so hard on. It also feels privileged as I don’t know a single soul who feels this degree of safety and embodiment of home/heaven.

It seems as if everyone is still afraid of the world, of their death, of what’s to come. I’ve yet to run into another declaring heaven to be here.

I’ve seen it as it simply is “it” to me. It’s simply what now makes sense to me and I desperately want to translate it.

To live in full time presence of God in me, with heaven being here as a real thing, seeing the divine orchestration of all things, which includes, justice, righteous, grace and mercy. To have these things tangible to me in a world where such feelings often seem non-existent. It can for sure feel “insane” to me.

Yes, terrible things still and will happen, and they don’t HAVE to happen. With God, all things are possible. I know who I am and I know who I am in truth. I refuse to sit on the sidelines and “just be” when I know today if I show up believing heaven is real, someone might believe me and see it for themselves too.

That my embodiment and actions change the world for REALS. “Just being” as the spiritual culture does not impact another life today. I am here to make an impact.

For me to have it only take 38 years to arrive at what humanity has been working toward since eternity past is pretty overwhelming.

That’s the feeling I get from Aaron’s power over my life. Finding safety, presence, and home in another person is no small feat. We have both taken on our healing journeys radically. I don’t believe there is a way to achieve this regulation, or co-regulation if you see it that way, to purity and safety without a deep connection to another person to meets all your needs.

This is a privileged position for me, and some may see this as hell which is okay too. If I lose you, I get that. I want to ask for your support, as I want to hold this reality for all humans. If I can find and have this, as in if Las Vegas exists for me, I want to give my life for it to possibly be real for you too because nothing can compare to this goodness.

Or maybe you’ve already found it. While I thought I had, for me it was with a partner who can and will provide for all my needs that it became reality. So if you’ve found that, I am so grateful you are here and hope we can both help the world see the power of this reality.

What I thought I felt before—the feeling of home and safety—was not the same. I truly don’t believe you can feel safe until you become one with another person. This is my belief. You are welcome to believe what is true for you. It’s wild to see the collective response to my truth and the indoctrinated conditioning of wanting people to dissociate for their beliefs.

Now that I met that degree of safety in my body last night, this foundation is what I now STAND on will be the reason I achieve my dreams.

My divine masculine providing for my needs