I AM ALONE: A Letter to My Loneliness
I am alone and I am held. Not by people. Not by words. Not by the world’s need to fix me.
By my own soul and the pain and power in my body. And by a God who will never forget me.
When I say I am alone, the most confident will reply with, “you are not alone,” and why do you need to lie? As I am. And I am. And I am. And that is not a lie. That is the truth.
They say, “You are not alone because you have your husband, your faith, your love, your purpose.” And love is not a cure. Faith is not a shield. Purpose is not a substitute.
I have all of these. And still, I am alone. Because being alone is not wrong for me. It’s a sacred and necessary choice God made for me.
They say, “You are not alone because your “spirit guides” are with you.”
”Spirit Guides” do not speak in words, they do not hold my hand, or explain my grief, or fix my solitude.
I feel alone. It simply is this way. I used to live a very connected and vibrant life.
I now experience life alone and the second I find someone to get close to it’s only days or weeks until some issue arises in me and they take issue with me too. Even my own husband has been done with me a time or two. I have no physical manifested proof those I love won’t be done with me. Won’t think I’m crazy or insane. Or won’t push come to shove lock me in a psych box one day if I’m too much of myself.
So yes I am alone. And in that, I am also held.
Not by people, and by the vast, unknowable, silent presence of my God who works all things together for good and who I true with my heart, soul, mind, brain and every fiber of my being.
If I am alone then God made it this way. This is goodness. This is God’s divine goodness that I alone. And no “you’re not alone” will take that from me. No person coming in to try and remedy my aloneness will fix the gaping hole in my chest that feels alone from losing everyone I know because I had my nervous system reset and ended up hitting enlightenment and I will not shy, dim or become less for anyone.
So for now I am alone. And I am okay with that because God is okay with that. Otherwise it wouldn’t be happening. If only others would be able to pause, step back, and not see alone as an issue or something wrong.
Okay. I am alone. The end. God’s got my back. This is good. No person who friends me and exists to try and make me not feel alone with enjoy their life with me. As there is no problem here. Well outside of others trying to fix this truth for me.
One day I will not be alone. And that day will flip everything for eternity and then there will be no going back. There will be no alone for forever and ever, amen. Like case closed no alone for me again. And for today. For now. For the remainder of this moment, I am alone and this okay.
And for me I believe it’s divine design and sacred and I honor this goodness in every way.
I am alone and it’s okay. It’s also not okay. As it’s not good for man to be alone. And the loneliness pandemic is ending today. And if not today, I will live as if it is, I will live as if it’s so. And the bio mechanical 3D proof for today is still separation, loneliness, pain, pandemic. As I know what alone feels like, and I also know what connection feels like.
My body knows how to breathe without another, and it also knows what it feels like to breathe without another. My own soul knows how to be whole without needing to be seen. And my soul knows what it’s like to be whole with another and be seen.
The distinction feels further apart than any Grand Canon.
So you can tell me, “You are not alone.” and I am and I am loud about it because the loneliness pandemic is real and if we be loud and real maybe we all will look in the mirror and see what is needed to bring together more connection and less division.
Because the world has forgotten how to hold the space of a human being who is alone and whole. Because we have been taught that being alone is wrong, a sin, a weakness, a failure.
And I say: Being alone is not a failure. It is a holy act if required by God.
I have been alone for 1036 days. Ever since I faced my death as the second coming of Christ and then took on 3 security guards to the point of my own death and ressurecting as Mary Magdalene.
And to exist like this. The pain I face for the demonization, judgement and humiliation. I am grateful my God gave us the life of Jesus to look to when navigating these places. I thank God I alone do not have to carry the cross and have no clue what Yeshua’s aloneness must feel like.
I know what mine feels like and I know we have each other and there is still aloneness I find in myself. And here I find love. Here I find power. And here I find the courage to stay alone and not sacrifice on what is real for me in any way.
One day I will not be alone.
And today I do not need to be fixed.
I will not compromise my love for the sake of being seen.
I will not compromise my standards for the sake of being understood.
I will not co for my aloneness for the sake of being accepted.
Because I am good even when it’s devestating. As I am whole. I am here. And I know I am love. So when I am lonely I know I am the resurrected form of Mary Magdalene, and I do not need the world to validate my existence.
Even though it would help me not feel so alone.
I would like others to be able to hear me and listen so that one day I am no longer alone in this.
I want others to hear the truth I bleed and would die for and that being alone is not a curse.
I want others to know the loneliness pandemic makes brutal sense and is not personal failing.
I want others to see that being alone is not a wound that needs to be healed. It is a truth that needs to be honored.
So here I am, writing this.
Not to fix anything.
Not to change anything.
To say: I am alone. I am good. I am okay. I am held.
I am well and this is not okay.
All of it is true for me.
And I believe loneliness is the most powerful place to be. As the day I have confirmation, affirmation and more than one other person existing with me. It means case closed. Heaven is here. Separation has ended. And that started at the fall so if it takes one more day I can understand. And I will continue to live as if it’s the last.
The end.
From Yours Truly,
The Mary Magdalene
