For The Christians: My Message For Us
Photo by Alem Sánchez
Dear Christians—those who believe and declare Jesus Christ.
This message is for you. I pray for the Holy Spirit to give you eyes to see, ears to hear, and the heart to truly sees past my every word and sees the gospel.
I write this post as someone who has walked the Christian path my entire life—not forged by faith, but by fear. I lived my life in fear of my friends not believing in Jesus, convinced it was my God-given responsibility and job—The Great Commission—to get them to believe.
From the age of seven I believed the lie that if I didn’t accept Jesus into my hearts, I, along with my friends, would be destined for eternal torment in hell. This burden consumed my entire life and the words on this page are not written from a space of intellect and instead driven to save my own life.
In this post, I break down how I arrived at where I am today and why I now believe that heaven is here, and declare so in Jesus’ name. How I believe every knee will bow and tongue will confess that Jesus is King and so deeply challenged I am by those who declare Jesus’ name that seem to be incapable of embodying this with me.
The Burden of a Misunderstood Gospel
I believe we have turned what I believe to be the most profound event in all of space and time—the life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus—into a lie. I also believe if we look out in the world it’s pretty clearly evident this point in time we are closer to hell than ever.
Even more devastating is how we indoctrinate children, including you and I today, being taught that is is in fear that we are to embrace God. The Bible calls us to be like little children and warns against causing them to stumble, yet Christian indoctrination set them up for a lifetime of torment, confusion, and separation from God.
For those who are neurodivergent or autistic, like myself, the damage is even greater. These lies embed themselves into our pure, literal minds, creating a life of programmed dysfunction and disease.
What I believe Christian’s fail to see with this false gospel—fire insurance—preached in Jesus’ name only indoctrinates our programed broken into an even more devastating state. Separation from from God in his own name. It is a locked box, catch 22 or torment that happened to me and now I give my life sharing my story and my experience with the gospel so that cease as I believe I carry the potential of heaven beginning with me.
My Trauma and The False Gospel
I find it important to highlight the amount of pain and PTSD trauma responses I experience anytime I write anything of this nature. It stems from the devastating impact of believing a false gospel and then when I did deconstruct
including a near-death experience I often mention. Yet none matters to me as the rejection and abandonment I’ve faced from former Christian friends I have declared the gospel to. Those who claim to live for the gospel as I did and now do. The devastating truth is that sitting in a room with me and having an honest conversation about it is not even possible for them.
My body reacts, reminding me of the unbearable weight this belief once placed on me—and how it continues to manifest in droves with in our political climate today. All driven by fear. All driven by the name of Christ.
Yet, I choose to see my pain as no more than being afraid of a paper cut compared to the suffering Yeshua endured on the cross.
My trauma story around the gospel story runs deep, including a near-death experience I often mention. Yet none matters to me as the rejection and abandonment I’ve faced from former Christian friends I have declared the gospel to. Those who claim to live for the gospel as I did and now do. The devastating truth is that sitting in a room with me and having an honest conversation about it is not even possible for them.
My very existence seems to be such a threat that I have been kicked out of three churches and subjected to a protection order by former religious leaders—not because I confronted them, but because I spoke about my experiences publicly online.
Never once have I acted in a way that could be perceived as “flipping tables.”
There is no fight like that in me. My nervous system is locked in a state of collapse. I just cry. I try to trust, as Moses did, that I will be given the words to speak when the moment comes. Yet I find myself searching in vain for a single Christian who isn’t too terrified to speak with me.
To exist in this reality means living each day with my nervous system on edge, collapsing under the weight of the trauma I associate with the name of Jesus as I continue to do this work in his name.
Rather than experiencing heaven as I know is possible and as I long to, my mental state is often high-jacked by my limbic nervous system responses spiraling me into hopelessness. Suicidal ideation creeps into my thoughts because of how unbearable it feels to exist in a word that declares the name of Jesus to keep us locked and trapped in hell.
Yet, again, this pain excruciating to me, it is only because of what Yeshua endured on the cross that I no longer fear physical death—and bound my the neuroligical responses of PTSD in my mind, body and brain. my emotional pain and not physical death.
At least, I like to believe that Christians today would not seek to crucify someone a second time. However, what I have found they use the government in a different way and lock you in a mental instution. It happens to so many and for me it was done deceptively.
I was led covertly against my will into a mental institution, and instead of receiving support for medical emergency I was having I was met with physical force—physically thrown from the hallway into the room when I collapsed to the floor saying it felt like my heart is going to explode.
The Burden of a Misunderstood Gospel
In essence, if you’ve made it this far, I want to ensure this is understood: we have taken the most profound event in all of space and time—the life, death, burial and resurrection of Jesus/Yeshua Christ—and turned it into a lie we preach with full force and confidence.
This lie forces us to live bound by torment, and living in a way Jesus never asked us to do.
It is even more extreme, as the bible calls us to be like the little children, and not cause them to stumble. Yes, we now indoctrinate them with false beliefs setting them up for a whole life of stumbling.
And for those who are neurodivergent or autistic, like myself, this pain becomes even more extreme. It embeds torment, known as lies, into our innocent pure source literal brain setting us up for a life or programed disfunction and disease and navigating what it’s like to be one with the Spirit of Truth when the world can not receive you.
This painful reality has illuminated the verse, “The world cannot receive the Spirit of Truth” (John 14:17). It seems I am now up against this very truth: a world resistant to the Spirit of Truth.
The Spirit of Truth and the Kingdom Within
I believe our inability to receieve to the Spirit of Truth reveals why we have turned the most profound event in all of space and time into something so deeply misunderstood. The life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus have been reduced to a lie we confidently preach to all, including children, forcing us to be tormented over illusions and ultimately locking us in hell.
While I use many words to articulate this, my desire is for us as Christians to simply return to The Truth—or what is believed to be the "Spirit of Truth," —the Bible. What seems like the majority of Christians believe as the core foundation of the faith and what is used to find the source of beliefs. The 300+ versions that is considered the inerrant word of God.
While there is endless scripture I would and could land one, this seems to be only one I find to have eternal value and the only I will root everything in:
"When asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, 'The kingdom of God will not come with observable signs. Nor will people say, "Look, here it is," or "There it is." For you see, the kingdom of God is in your midst.'" — Luke 17:20–21
So, the day we truly believe this truth—when we stop merely talking about Jesus and start embodying the Gospel—is the day I believe we will begin to experience heaven in its fullness. I want to continue existing in support of this.
However, I never want you to take my word for it. My intention is simply to keep point to the truth that we have yet to grasp in over 2,000 years—something that, through my 38 years of existence, I have somehow found a way to sort out.
From Torment to Truth: My Personal Mission
For me, this is personal. After nearly 30 years of torment, I am determined to turn what once broke me into the good news it was always meant to be. The cross was a single, world-changing event—but what has been done in Jesus’ name over the past 2,000 years has turned a message of freedom into one double-down in fear.
For the years, I struggled to understand what it meant to "believe in Jesus," were years my nervous system, my hormones, my mental state lived in torment and fear eternal punishment if I failed.
This belief, planted in my heart at the age of seven, was reinforced by teachings that painted God as a disappointed judge who murdered his son because of how much he loved me. This was somehow supposed to make sense and add up in my head. And if I wasn’t ashamed of my sins, I was told to be ashamed of my pride and arrogance.
It was a tormenting catch-22 that in some insane way eventually led me to clarity. To the church, I may be seen as insane, demon-possessed, or worse. Yet, to me, Jesus makes sense to me—even though I believe it’s one of the most dangerous things I can which is to think I could truly every understand him. And I want to repent of every time I do.
I do not wish to spend another day attempting to imagine what it was like to be Him because I wasn’t, and I couldn’t possibly comprehend it. Yet, heaven makes sense. The Gospel makes sense. This is now my life—it is all I live for.
How’s that for irony?
The Misrepresentation of Jesus and the Pain It Creates
What breaks me most is the rejection and abandonment I have faced from those who once called me a friend and worshipped Jesus with me. People who would travel across the world to declare the Gospel now refuse to have a real conversation with me. My existence seems to be such a threat that I’ve been cast out—not because of confrontation, but because I dared to share my experiences publicly.
This reality—that the truth of the Gospel is now found outside the church, and in spaces that give no credit to Jesus—does not sit well with me. I think of the heart, mind, and soul of Jesus looking over humanity and me specifically at the age of seven, hearing a preacher say that if I didn’t believe, drinking the “blood of Jesus” from the little wooden cup would send me to hell.
How does a child one believe something they already are?
What I have found, as I unraveled fundamental Christian beliefs, is the truth is so radiant that it brought me back to the foot of the cross—not in fear, but in awe. No longer as a punishment to appease an angry God but as the ultimate act as the only way for the love in humanity to be restored to the love of it’s Creator.
Yet, even as the cross allows me to surrender my pain and embrace the ultimate act of love that restores humanity to its Creator, the misrepresentations of Christ’s love in this world—abandonment, betrayal, and harm inflicted in His name—still torment me deeply.
My Mission: Reclaiming the Gospel
While I am not, nor could ever be, the man known as Yeshua, and believe he was a man who existed in a physical body that existed over 2000 years ago.
I also do not believe the body of Jesus is going to co-exist with us again. I have also found I typically misunderstand what we preach so confidently. So there is very little I cling to outside of 2 John 2:22 and the declaration the gospel by Jesus to the Pharisees and that I will never contain the capacity to understand God.
I know what I believe about heaven and the Gospel today, yet when I look out into the world—particularly as an American Christian—I am confronted with His distorted legacy.
If I attend church, I am forced to sit and listen as someone speaks over me in Jesus’ name, celebrating a political icon who is supposedly advancing the Gospel. I am told that the President of the United States is the one who restores our hope in the Christian faith.
Can we not see how insane this is? How does one even exist within such a reality?
We can see we no longer fear hell because we have turned was to be perceived as eternal torment into entertainment. The the name of Jesus is preached by the the reported 86% of pastors watching porn. And in every motion picture, as “Jesus Christ” rolls off the lips of every celebrity inside of Hollywood in the most common way.
Hell to me is not a distant place—or after we die—it is now. It manifests in the division, fear, and pain we see in the world, and for me even inside my own homes.
The devastation collapses me. Yet to Christians, I am perceived as demonic, a threat and do not currently possess the genitalia required by the bible to preach the world of God.
When the answer is here. The answer is now. And more sermons preached by me isn’t going to help as the answer is always the same and it’s always within and relates to our own personal relationship with God made possible by the life, death, burial and resurrection of the man we as Christians profess—Jesus Christ.
The Paradox of Yeshua: Love, Pain, and the Call to Heaven
To me, Yeshua represents both the greatest love and, for most of my life, the greatest source of pain. My relationship with Him is so complex, often relating more to a narcissistic abuser, than the source of eternal love and life. And it is from and for this place of struggle and restoration that I create.
So I continue to stand and declare the name of Yeshua, as Jesus, knowing that while hell is real and present, so is heaven. Heaven is within us, waiting to be revealed when we step into the truth of the Gospel.
This is why I do what I do. To serve as a resource, pointing to the simplicity of the Gospel that we have overcomplicated. Heaven is not a distant reality; it is our home, here and now. It’s happening between you and me right now as you read the words on this screen if you are still here with me.
For those who didn’t make it there, it’s still happening with them too. God is doing this work. It’s simply a matter of experiencing it as it is not something that is going to be seen with out eyes as it is simply something that is.
It is for this purpose that I write: to show the world that heaven is real and that we, as Christians, believe we are the ones who claim ownership in bringing it forth. May every action I take and every word I type, speak and think help to expand the manifestation of heaven here.
A Space for Open Hearts and Minds
Through this blog, I will explore profound spiritual truths, often drawing from sources that many Bible-believing Christians would dismiss. I encourage you to remain open. These teachings, when held up to the light of scripture and the life of Jesus, can deepen our understanding of the Gospel in a practical sense we can do something with and awaken us to the work we are truly called to do.
If you’ve ever felt conflicted by the messages preached on Sunday, burdened by shame instead of freed by grace, or simply uncertain of how to live your faith in a world that feels so far from God, this space is for you. Together, let’s uncover the truth, confront the lies, and step into the fullness of what it means to follow Christ.
Let’s make heaven real together—to reconcile the pain caused by these lies and to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ, of Yeshua, in its fullness—starting now.
With All of Me for All of Us.
In service of The Our One True Source and Savior—Yeshua/Jesus Christ
Jena Michelle Smith/Stagner/Hurst
@iamjenajena
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Instead our egoic structure through the experience of a man named Paul. Who lived his life murdering Chrisitinas that we have what I see as Christinaity today.
To the day the scaled fall off our eyes to see how this has turned the pure love of Christ into satanic or demonic worship using the name of man who faced excruciating murdered 2000 years ago to set me free—us free.
