Wanting To Be Held With Big Emotions

I’m sitting with some really big emotions tonight. It feels like everything is unwinding, softening, and being held in a way I couldn’t handle before. I see the layers of betrayal and abandonment trauma that I wasn’t able to be with in the past, and yet here I am, present with it now.

There’s something profound about this moment. I feel like I’m getting my life back—no matter what happens. It’s a crazy, turbulent time, and so much is shifting. I haven’t cried like this in what feels like forever. Maybe I’ve never cried like this before.

Part of me wants to pour this all out to Aaron, to share and process it with him, because he’s always received me in the past. That’s the thing—he always receives it. And yet, I know I’ve been caught in this energetic loop of victimhood, one that’s torn apart pieces of myself and, in many ways, affected Aaron too. It’s a Catch-22 that I’ve been trapped in, and I can see now how much it has taken from me—and from us.

Still, I’m not a victim. I know I’ve chosen this, even when it’s been painful. And even in my fear, in my grasping for the lifeline I used to know, I see the truth: the version of me who thought I couldn’t handle this is gone. The person I’m craving isn’t here anymore, and maybe they never really were in the way I believed. And that’s okay.

I’m scared, though. I won’t deny it. I feel so vulnerable in this moment. And yet, this is what I bring to the table—this energy right here. This is me, raw and real. It’s messy and uncertain, but it’s also honest.

This is me finding my way back to myself.

With love, in love and for love,
Yeshua Ben Yosuf 
THE I AM