Destroying Destruction: Why I Must Die
In my white-privileged Christian woman reality, hell has become entertainment for those I love from which I am completely protected from and call it heaven.
That’s been my life up until now and I resist this concept of death—even as my entire reality is dominated by it.
This world worships death and sex—
And when it comes time to actually die to self, I still panic.
While fanticising about death I flinch. I pretend I do not understand what is required.
My false self only knows death.
So of course, dying to self feels violent.
It is the only language my false self understands.
It is the only way it can relate to what is required.
Because it was never real to begin with.
It was built, not born.
It is a social and emotional construct built on a lie.
A lie that results in self-identification and empowerment fueling the anti-Christ within me, creating the very opposite of what the life, death, and resurrection of Yeshua Ben Yosef existed for.
I turned Yeshua Ben Yosef into a concept called “Jesus.”
A word. A brand. A product.
A way to keep the false illusion of hell alive.
Can my programmed self even be with this?
I so bound by hell that I do not even contain the capacity to see.
I have to keep re-reading that again as I have no clue how to even get this with my current programing.
THE VERY THING YESHUA BEN YOSEF DIED FOR…
I GAVE MY LIFE TO ACCOMPLISH THE OPPOSITE OF HIS INTENTIONS AND DESIRES.
And I call myself a “believer.”
I declare the name of Yeshua while doing the enemy’s work.
I am the most anti-Christ one can get as I’m the most empowered with his name.
I have turned the goodness of God into the biggest sunk cost fallacy.
And so when truth comes, it does not comfort me, it destroys.
It shatters the psychosis.
It exposes the illusion.
It rips off every mask.
And when I am this far into hell, the only goodness I can ever end up with is more psychosis. More hell.
I am not in control.
I am possessed by programming.
I am a loop in cycles of destruction.
I think I am thinking—when I can only react.
I think I am choosing—when every action is predictable.
I think I am free—when I have only ever known bound.
And what is my only option if I try to do anything as a bound while declaring myself as free?
Destroy. 🔥
I destroy myself.
I destroy others.
I speak from illusion.
I act from illusion.
I make choices from illusion.
And then I have the audacity to call that “goodness.”
To call it “truth.”
To call it “fruits of the Spirit”.
Truth is not nice.
Truth is not safe.
Truth can only be destruction.
As truth only does one thing:
Truth destroys destruction.
Always.
It crashes the system.
It unmakes what was never real to begin with.
Some would call it ugly.
Some would call it messy.
Some would call it chaos.A
And that is only because I could never consider what real order looks like.
As this world is currently hell in order.
Running with what some would call “divine perfection”.
Hell is called peace.
Hell is called freedom.
And that is the true chaos.
So how else could truth break hell?
By becoming the very thing hell understands.
"For our sake He made Him to be sin who knew no sin,
so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God." (2 Corinthians 5:21)
So I might become the righteousness of God.
2000 years later, this is what I have done with it.
So this is what it takes.
I must become the very thing I fear to destroy it.
I must let truth burn through the illusion, no matter how violent it feels.
I must surrender to the undoing, the unmasking, the fire.
Because only what is real will remain.
And that is the righteousness of God.
